Awakenings - SF1 Page 6

  "But...I don't...um...have a helmet, wouldn't I need one?"

  "That's why I brought this one in," Ryan reassured her. "I thought we could adjust it where the light was better."

  "Isn't this yours?" Jamie asked as she narrowed her eyes in concern.

  "No, mine is on the bike. This is my extra one."

  "Okay, I'm game," Jamie replied with significantly less hesitation than she felt.

  Ryan leaned over and placed the helmet on Jamie's head. She fidgeted with the strap until she was satisfied with the fit. Gripping the helmet with both hands she gave it a little tug. "How does that feel?" she asked, looking closely at Jamie's face for her reaction.

  "Feels great...let's go," she stated with false confidence. She grabbed a tailored butterscotch leather jacket from the coat closet and slid it on as they walked out the front door.

  "Wow, that is a good looking bike!" Jamie enthused. She regarded the aqua and cream-colored Harley with a critical eye. She knew absolutely nothing about motorcycles, but it was clear that this one was well loved. The leather was supple and immaculate, the chrome gleamed and the paint was perfect.

  "Yeah, I really love this one. I've had a Yamaha, a Honda and an Indian. But this one really sounds like a bike. You feel it all the way through your spine," she said proudly as she trailed her hand lovingly over the saddle.

  Jamie was unsure of what that really meant, but she figured she would find out soon enough. Ryan threw her long leg over the saddle and pushed the bike off the kickstand. "Come on," she said as she held out a hand.

  Jamie took her left hand and placed her right hand on Ryan's shoulder as she swung her leg over the seat. It was a stretch but she accomplished the feat with a little hop on the planted foot. She settled down comfortably, feeling a little exposed as she nestled her thighs behind Ryan's.

  "Hang on tight," Ryan instructed. "Feel free to put your arms around my waist. All you have to do is hold on and lean into the turns like I do. And don't worry, you'll have fun," she said as she patted Jamie lightly on the thigh.

  Jamie privately admitted that she was already having fun. She loved sitting on the big bike, so close to Ryan. She realized that she inexplicably felt safe and protected by this near stranger. As the bike roared to life, she understood what Ryan meant about the sound. She definitely heard it, but she realized that she felt it with her body more than her ears. Wow, this is pretty intense. The intensity grew as the bike began to cruise down the street. Involuntarily, she threw her arms around Ryan as the bike moved through its gears. There was a small jerk with each shift and she unconsciously held on tighter.

  As she become accustomed to the sensation Jamie realized that this was truly a glorious feeling. She had never realized how insulated she was while in a car, even a small convertible like her own. This, however, was a feeling of complete freedom. She almost felt as if she was flying. She could smell the flowers and the scent of damp grass as they passed the well tended lawns. Wow, why would you ever ride in a car if you had one of these?

  The trip was over much too soon, and as they pulled up in front of the bookstore Jamie regretted having to get off the bike. Ryan let her get off first, then she propped the bike on its stand and killed the engine. As Ryan turned to face her she reflexively returned the huge grin on Jamie's face.

  "I take it you enjoyed your first time?" she teased.

  "That was awesome, Ryan!" she gushed, her enthusiasm bubbling up. "I had no idea it would be so cool! Why would you ever ride in a car?" she asked with a puzzled look on her flushed face.

  "Well, when it's under 50 degrees and raining, cars start to look pretty good," Ryan said with a wide smile as she slid her arm around Jamie's shoulders.

  She held the door open and waited for the smaller woman to enter. Placing her hand on the small of her friend's back, she followed her into the cozy store.

  Jamie was very aware of how Ryan seemingly unconsciously touched her. She treats me kind of like a guy would if we were on a first date, she mused. But it doesn't feel like she's coming on to me today. It feels like that's just part of her personality. She's obviously used to being in charge. I wonder if lesbians really have roles when they're together? If so, Ryan's definitely the guy. But a guy with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous body!" she thought with a smirk as her friend guided her further into the store.

  The place was larger than it looked from the street. It was roughly divided into two separate spaces, the one in which they were standing which was the coffeehouse/entertainment side and the other which housed books and other items. As they stepped more fully into the space Jamie saw that the front of the room held a small elevated platform that was obviously a stage. Near the right side of the room was a coffee bar. Behind the bar was a small window that must have led to an unseen kitchen. A woman was busily making coffee drinks for the customers who were seated at the scattered small tables. Towards the rear and left side of the space were comfortable well-used sofas and a few overstuffed chairs. They did not match nor seem to be terribly clean, but they lent a comfortable familiarity to the room that appealed to Jamie.

  Ryan caught her wandering gaze and quietly asked, "Would you like to sit and have a coffee, or would you rather look in the bookstore for a bit?"

  "Since it's not too crowded let's look around first, then maybe we can sit down for a while. Will there be entertainment later?"

  Ryan looked up at a good sized chalkboard near the stage. Multicolored chalk letters heralded the name of a performer and the notation ë8:00 p.m. Tonight.' "Yeah, in about an hour," she replied as she checked her enormous watch. Jamie grasped her hand and took a look at the timepiece.

  "God, Ryan, what does that monster do?"

  "Well, I have to time my clients so they don't overstay their hour," she replied reasonably. "And sometimes I'm doing two people at once, so I need two timers." She indicated the two timers with her index finger. "And I use it for running and swimming. See, it has two lap counters," she indicated them both. "I also use it as my alarm in the morning, and every once in a while I can get a little nap in at work", she said with a conspiratorial wink.

  What in the hell does she do for a living!!

  Just as Jamie was forming the question a short, pleasant looking middle aged woman appeared from behind the bar. She was heading right for them and Jamie noticed Ryan's face light up in a smile.

  "Ryan O'Flaherty, as I live and breathe!" the woman gushed in a broad, theatrical Irish accent.

  "Hi, Babs. It's good to see you again," Ryan said as she gave the small woman a big friendly hug. "This is my friend Jamie. Jamie, this is Babs Jablonski, she owns this den of ill repute," Ryan teased.

  Babs elbowed Ryan sharply in the ribs as she grasped Jamie's hand in a firm shake. "Any friend of Ryan's is still welcome here," she joked in her normal voice.

  After a few more minutes of banter, Ryan showed Jamie to the bookstore. She was surprised to find the store sectioned off in categories, just like at a regular bookstore. But these categories were a bit different than the ones found at Barnes & Noble. 'Coming Out', 'Lesbian Sexuality', and 'Lesbian Parenting' caught Jamie's eye as she glanced around the small space. She also noticed that there was a section where CD's and tapes were sold. She strolled over to that area and realized that none of the artists were familiar to her.

  "Are these um...'lesbian specific' singers?" she asked tentatively while holding up a CD for Ryan's inspection.

  "That's a cute way to put it," Ryan said. "I would say for the most part these artists are lesbians, but there is a good bit of generic women's music also, along with some self help and spirituality tapes," she said knowledgeably.

  "How do you know so much about this place, and how do you know Babs?" Jamie found the courage to ask, hoping that she wasn't prying too much.

  "When I was a kid, I couldn't get into the bars, even though I thought I looked quite mature," she said smugly. "I read about this place in one of the lesbian newspapers I found in the Castro. I came over o
ne day on BART and I became such a pest that Babs took pity on me and let me hang out on the weekends and earn a few bucks helping out."

  "So you've known you were gay for a long time?" Jamie asked with interest.

  "I'll tell you the whole sordid story," Ryan agreed, "but let's finish up in here first."

  Jamie spent quite a few more minutes looking carefully at the titles that lined the lilac painted wooden shelves. "I must admit, this is all a bit surprising to me," Jamie said with a touch of embarrassment. "I guess I just never thought that there would be a whole cottage industry catering to lesbians like this. Do you think it's necessary, Ryan?" she asked thoughtfully.

  Ryan seemed to consider her question for a moment. She gazed at her carefully as she replied, "Yes, Jamie, I really do. When you think about it, gay people are the only minority group that doesn't share their minority status with their parents. When people come out, many of them are overwhelmed by the experience. Even if their parents are supportive, they don't know how to help. Places like this can be a lifesaver for people who are really struggling. I know it was for me," she said somberly.

  "I can see that it would really help someone who was sure of their preferences," Jamie stated after a moment. "But what about girls who are just confused? Don't you think this could push them into a place that they don't really belong?" she asked with a look of concern on her face.

  "I know you don't know all of the lingo but gay people really prefer to have their sexuality be considered an orientation rather than a preference, Jamie," she said clearly.

  "I'm sorry," she said quickly. "What did I say?"

  "You referred to someone being sure of their preferences," Ryan explained. "It's not a real big deal but it's not a preference for me."

  "Okaaay," she said slowly, drawing the word out while she considered this. "I don't really see the difference..."

  "Okay," Ryan said quickly. "I assume you consider yourself heterosexual, right?"

  "Well, yeah," she laughed. "So does Jack," she added with a grin.

  "But if you broke up would you accept a date from a woman?"

  "Uhh..."Jamie found herself absolutely dumbstruck at this question. She seemed to have lost her ability to speak but Ryan replied for her.

  "I take it that's a 'no'," she said helpfully. "I think sexuality is like that for many if not most people. You focus on one gender for your sexual attraction. You don't look at the whole human race and decide which one you slightly prefer, Jamie. Your orientation leads you to only look at men as sexual partners, right?" she asked quietly.

  "Uhh...right!" she finally said, as a deep blush covered her face and neck. "Right!" she said again for emphasis.

  "Please don't be embarrassed, Jamie," she said gently. "You're not offending me at all." She smiled sweetly and maintained eye contact as she continued. "That's how it is for me too," Ryan advised. "I don't 'prefer' women. The thought of being with a man sexually has as much pull for me as being with my dog. And that's not a put down of dogs or men," she added with a laugh. "It's just something so outside of my orientation that both of those options seem equally far-fetched to me."

  "Okay," Jamie said slowly. "I think I get your point. And I can see why having it called a preference could be offensive."

  "Sorry if that seemed like a lecture," Ryan said. "But I figure that you want to understand this stuff or you wouldn't have taken the class."

  "Absolutely!" she agreed. "Now do you remember the rest of my question?"

  "Verbatim," she said with a waggling eyebrow. "I don't think a place like this can push someone into a life that wasn't right for them, Jamie. The purpose of this type of place is not to recruit. It's to help people figure out their true orientation and learn to be comfortable with it."

  "But," Jamie interrupted, "what about all the girls and women who are just dabbling in lesbianism? It sure is popular now to have 'done it' with a woman."

  "I doubt that those women will eventually consider themselves lesbians," Ryan replied. "I think for many of them it is a rite of passage, kind of like getting a tattoo or a piercing. In the long run though, that might be a good thing...it might remove some of the stigma from being gay if more people had some experience with the act."

  "I guess you could be right, but how do you think it will affect those women who are just playing around in the long run? Jamie persisted.

  "You're kind of making it sound like the Scarlet Letter, Jamie," she said with a tiny frown. "For many women having sex is just that...sex. It's no big psychological incident for most women if they're just playing around. They know they're just experimenting. I think the women who have a harder time are the true lesbians. For many of them having sex with a woman finally confirms their feelings. Then they have to deal with all of the fallout from that realization. And that's where this place comes in."

  "I guess I see your point, but this is a lot to absorb. It's kind of like visiting another culture. It takes time to get acclimated," she reasoned.

  "Maybe some coffee would help," Ryan suggested with a smile. "Let me buy you one."

  As she settled down into a burgundy velour sofa Jamie accepted two large mugs of latte' from Ryan. She waited until her friend was seated at a polite distance and handed one mug back to her.

  "Ohh, this is good. I like the little sprinkle of chocolate on the top," she said as she licked a white foam mustache from her top lip. "Do you have time to tell me the story of your sordid lesbian past?" she teased, reminding Ryan of her earlier promise.

  "I've only got an hour," she replied as she looked at her watch, "that should get us through a year or two if I gloss over the scary parts," she drawled.

  "Was it really hard for you Ryan?" she asked as her face grew serious. "I mean, you seem very happy being gay now."

  "Yeah, I am perfectly content with who I am now, sexually at least," she said with a smile. "But it was really hard for me. I mean, I knew from a very early age that I was somehow different from the other girls. But I didn't understand how I was different...I just knew there was something."

  "Did you have boyfriends when you were younger?" Jamie inquired gently.

  "Nope...never had one. No dates, no crushes, nothing! And I don't think I ever will at this point," she replied with a small smile.

  Jamie gave her a tentative smile as she shot a look up and down her rather voluptuous but still sleek form. "I don't mean to embarrass you, but how did you avoid having boys hound you? You're pretty gorgeous, you know."

  "Thanks," Ryan grinned. "I was lucky because I went to an all girls high school, so that took some of the pressure off. There weren't any guys around to make it obvious that I wasn't interested. I was really into sports and the girls I hung out with weren't very boy crazy either. Plus I was almost 5' 10" by the end of 8th grade. I was a head taller than the boys my age until I was 16 or so."

  "So you really had no interest in going out with guys?"

  "Zip," she said decisively. "I liked boys, but I thought of them as friends. I just couldn't imagine kissing one of them. I really didn't understand what was going on with me. I mean, most of my friends talked about guys they liked and by high school guys were the main topic of conversation for most of my classmates. But it was not until the end of my junior year that it all fell into place for me."

  Jamie waited expectantly for Ryan to continue. But her face had clouded and she stared into her mug with a very sad look on her face.

  "We don't have to talk about this, Ryan," she said softly as she placed her hand gently on Ryan's forearm.

  She looked up at her with such pain in her eyes that Jamie had to resist the urge to reach out and wrap her in a hug. "It's okay, Jamie," she replied with a little catch in her voice. "I knew I was gay because I finally realized that I was madly in love with my best friend." She pursed her lips as she needlessly added, "Let's just say that she did not share my feelings."

  Jamie slid her hand down and grasped Ryan's hand. She gave it a little squeeze as she caught and held her
gaze. "I'm sorry," she said simply.

  Ryan's lips slowly curled up into a shy smile. "I don't know why, but I'm kind of embarrassed by this," she admitted, as a look of shame passed across her face. "I know it was a long time ago, but it still hurts me to think about it. Those early wounds don't ever seem to go away. When I think of that time, I feel just as devastated today as I did then," she admitted with a forlorn look.

  "Well, I think it's her loss to refuse a prize like you," Jamie said before she could censor the words falling out of her mouth.

  Ryan looked at her with a large measure of surprise on her face, but she recovered to give Jamie a huge crooked grin. "Easy for you to say now, but I was kind of a mess back then."

  "I rather doubt you were ever a mess, Ryan," she replied confidently.

  They passed the next few minutes in idle chatter. Ryan stood after a bit and shrugged out of her leather jacket, folding it neatly and placing it over the arm of the sofa. Jamie had a hard time controlling her desire to stare at Ryan's sculpted body, starkly outlined by the skin tight French cut t-shirt that covered her. To her relief Babs approached again. "Hey, Irish, are you gonna ride again this year?" she asked as she nodded her head toward a large poster proclaiming the 5th Annual California AIDS Ride.

  "Yep, I'm doing it again," Ryan replied. "Don't worry Babs, I'll be hitting you up for a sponsorship sooner than you wish."

  "Oh Ryan, that is so cool! Every year I watch the news coverage of the ride. But I've never known anyone who has done it," Jamie enthused.

  "Well, now you do," Ryan said, sounding pleased. "And don't think I won't try to wheedle money out of you too," she added as she pinched Jamie's cheek.

  "No problem. I would be honored to support you," Jamie quickly responded

  "Don't make it easy on her, honey," Babs replied. "She can already sweet talk the silk off the corn. Make her work for it."

  As Babs wandered away, Jamie continued her inquiry. "How many times have you done the ride, Ryan?"